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The Road to Clear Self-Definition

April 11, 2022

As I previously have said, it is important to discover those anxiety-charged aspects of your personal story in order to more fully understand the hidden currents that affect your behavior. We have called these hidden aspects our blind spot. Each of us has a blind spot. Each will be better served as we come to understand these hidden aspects of ourselves more fully. We want you to take some time to think through and fill out the questionnaire below. This should help you identify where you might be having difficulty in anxiety-laden aspects of your self-definition.

I. Identify Your Codes, Automatic Interpretations, Patterns and Beliefs.

What is your typical code or pattern?

o What relational patterns occur again and again in your intimate relationships? (e.g. being abandoned, being criticized, being smothered, never being able to find a partner, having affairs, having your partner have affairs, arguments about money, etc.).

o How do others typically misunderstand you?


o What problem(s) recur again and again?


What are you listening for? (e.g. the possibility of continued success? Failure? Acceptance? Rejection? Loss? etc.)

o What is your typical interpretation when things go wrong?


o What do you expect life to bring you?



o What, in your view, stops you from realizing your dreams or getting to your goals?


o What are you afraid of?


o What do you believe must happen before you can realize your dreams and visions?


o What are the actions you haven’t taken to make your dreams come true?


o What are the real world barriers to deal with to realize your dreams?

o What are you doing, not doing, feeling or thinking that they would, wouldn’t do in this situation?

Telling the truth about your life.

o Areas in which I have been avoiding something in my relationships, my career, my health, or my spiritual/inner life.



o Areas in which I haven’t been fully alive or showing up fully.



o Things I have been avoiding telling the truth about or facing.



o Areas in which I have been clinging to security that have stifled my aliveness and passion.



o Things I have not started and want to start.



o Things I want to change and have not changed.



o Things I want to stop and have not stopped.



o Things I have started and want to finish.



o Things I want to have and do not have.



o Things I want to do and have not done.


Shame as a block to change

Shameful secret events

o What has happened to you that you are ashamed of that you have never told anyone?



o What have you done that you are ashamed of that you have never told anyone?



o Who, if anyone, would it be right to tell these things to?



o When, or in what circumstances, would it be right to “go public” with this shameful secret?



Shameful secret desires of sensibilities

o What do you fantasize about or want to do that you are ashamed about or wouldn’t want others to know?



o What do you do regularly or occasionally that you are ashamed about or afraid others would find out about?



Ongoing shameful sense of self or qualities

o List any qualities or aspects of yourself that you think are bad or shameful.



Components of Upsets

Undelivered communication

o What haven’t you said and to whom haven’t you said it?



o What do you need to say?



o When or by when do you need to say it?



Unfulfilled expectations

o What have you expected to be a certain way in your life that is not that way?



o Who have you expected to be a certain way that isn’t that way?


Thwarted intentions

o What have or did you attempt to accomplish or do that has been blocked or stopped in some way?



o Where have your intentions been misinterpreted?



Rumblings from your soul

o What is disturbing for you right now in your job, your career, your life, your relationships, etc.? What doesn’t fit in those circumstances or in what areas do you think you are out of sync with yourself?



Jim

About Dr. Jim Osterhaus

Dr. Jim Osterhaus is the Senior Executive Coach at Leighton Ford Ministries with extensive experience helping ministry leaders and organizations
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